I find myself in a very unusual position right now. Certainly didn’t plan to be on this path, really didn’t see it coming, but here I am. Yes right here!
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be a butterfly when it is time to emerge from it’s cocoon? When the tightness of its “safety” blanket gets so strangling tight, that it has no choice but to push it’s way through and emerge so vulnerable and new. Everything big, scary, bright, beautiful and unable to fly until it’s wings dry-out and stretch, flutter and finally, finally it takes flight.
It’s clear and it’s not, how I wrapped myself up into a cocoon. Don’t get me wrong I like a good fight, but I hate conflict. The ultimate “yes man”. One strand at a time, I tangled myself up trying to “be good”, “be better”, “put others first”. Overlooking something here, something there. Till the conflict within myself was raging to a point that I was sure it would tear me in to pieces. I froze! How can one move when one can’t even breathe? Craziest part of it all was the outcome would have been the same no matter what I did or did not do.
All my life I wanted people to like me. (Honestly I still do, and hell, I am a good person so who wouldn’t like me.) I was so terrified of rejection and being alone.
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Not so very long ago something happened to me. Flowers! I didn’t see it coming! Not in a million years!
The “cocoon of denial” of the mess that was going on around me was no longer protecting me. The pain, the pain of rejection! Nothing I did! Every trick I knew! Nothing made it better! Nothing made it right again!
A phone call came. Another rejection I never saw coming, another person in my life that was supposed to always have my back. My mind spun round, round, looking from every angle. It was 8 or 9 pm, a battle had raged inside of me no one knew was happening. Then I heard it! A laugh escaped my throat. You know those laughs from the movies of one that may have just lost their mind. Then another laugh, a laugh of someone who has been bound by an invisible band to something not totally healthy, and then the band breaks and freedom comes. It didn’t matter anymore! FREEDOM!
I climbed into my bed that night having no idea what the morning would bring.
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The morning came, and I never saw it coming, right out of the gate! ANGER! Ridiculous, insulting, bitter, hateful, anger.
Enough, ENOUGH! It didn’t matter. I don’t know why it didn’t matter. Who spoke the words? Where did they come from?
“Don’t worry it won’t happen again, I am leaving.” I don’t recognize that calm, controlled voice. I don’t think I had ever heard it before. (I want to know that strong, calm, controlled person.)
A couple calls, a couple texts, a few garbage bags to carry 52 years of my life. My girls with me. Two hours to close twenty-two years. Truly sad really!
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Once a butterfly dries it’s wings, and stretches them well, it flies off in search of beautiful flowers full of nectar to continue the cycle of life.
So here I am, yes right here, right now. Stretching my wings! Looking for beautiful things! What a place to be. Fresh, Free, New.
What do I like? What do I hate? What makes me sad, mad, glad? What makes me laugh? What tastes good? What am I capable of? What is excruciatingly hard to handle? What does it feel like to be fully alive? How do I overcome the shaky uncertain days when nothing seems to be going right? How do I celebrate the good things? How does my faith fit into this? What are my goals in life? What is important to me? How do I make ends meet in this crazy economy? How do I launch my career? What should my career be, when you can do and be anything your heart desires (intimidating)?
I am a butterfly learning to fly on a path I never expected to be on! I am an example to my girls of how to not settle for second best, how to love yourself and others, and how to make the best out of the life they have.
Living my best life? Well making the best out of the life I have!
Beautiful Remade 