I feel stuck today!

By: Just myself
Blog, , , , 1 Comment on I feel stuck today!

There are many paths to choose everyday. Choices swim around me.

Adventure calls out. Not one that is adrenaline filled. No, a quieter, a simpler, adventure. An adventure of silence and nature, creativity, and stillness.

But the weight of the cost against the plan for the future. Slip away = cost or fill the day = future.

So easy it would be today to slip back into the familiar as the low simmering grief at the back of my mind dances and sways to remind me it’s still there.

A challenge to build, to move ,to create, to silence the sound of the pain that threatens to grip me. Feelings have sounds, did I even realize that before, huh.

Ramblings of a mind too full of….what doubt, pain, fear, maybe just disappointment…SHUT UP! I can build again wherever the wind pushes me.

I am and I will be okay no matter the challenges internal and external, they will not hold me down.

Today I have choices for what adventure to choose quiet silence of nature, or home clearing and arranging a peaceful refuge by design.

The Mirror

By: Just myself
Blog, , , , , , , , , Leave a Comment on The Mirror

If I looked deeply into a clear mirror, what would I see?

Would I see the surface, the silver grey hair in the cut I am not so very fond of?

Would I see the tired blue eyes that seem to have lost their spark?

Would I see the rolls and imperfections, as a result of the abuse and comfort choices?

Would I see a harried person rushing from job to job, not quite put together, but mostly presentable for the day?

If I looked in the mirror would I see the million disappointments and sorrows piled on to one another?

Would I see the slipping mask that tries to hide it all?

Would I see the confusion of how what I envisioned and hoped, and fought for for my life, and the actual true reality of it are not in alignment?

Would I see the bitterness and pain of betrayal, of broken dreams, harsh words and unmet expectations?

Would I see a glimmer of hope for what is left in my ever shortening life line?

Would I see truth of character, of caring and kindness, angry and disappointed, or a bitchy tired grouch?

Would I see the desperation of the woman that still wants to be desired, loved, taken care of, safe?

Would I see the loving mom trying to help her children get ready for launching into the world?

Would I see confusion of how to be of value and worth as the years take a toll on the body and that youthful beauty fades away?

Would I see a survivor crawling up out of the depths, dirty, bruised, broken?

Would I see a fighter in battle, fighting off there old beliefs about themselves?

Would I see truth, love, compassion or disgust, disappointment and failings?

Would I see the sin of my poor choices and desperation glaring ugly in my face? Or the Savior in His Glory reflecting back?

If I looked deeply into the mirror what would I see?

Beautifully made

By: Just myself
Blog, , , 1 Comment on Beautifully made

Nope not doing it anymore!

Not going to try and “reinvent”.

What if the beginning of me was NOT what others project upon me, but a wonderful beautiful human sent to learn and joyfully discover this earth.

What if there is such a thing as the best in the moment.

What if a loud child is NOT a bad kid ,just one beginning to discover.

What if life is an adventure sometimes you win, some days not so much, but what does it matter if most of the time you show up.

Life is good! Life is beautiful!

Sorrow happens, but the pain is a messenger that you are alive and you care.

Tomorrow the sun will rise again,right up to our last tomorrow.

What if the “missteps” are just part of learning and growing, discovering.

What if YOU yes YOU were ‘beautifully made’ from the beginning and accepting this will set your soul free to laugh, to dance, to play!

Earth Tones & Cozy Sweaters!

By: Just myself
Blog, , , , , , , Leave a Comment on Earth Tones & Cozy Sweaters!

Cool summer nights

Thick soft wool sweaters, slouchy socks

Old faithful quilt, under and around

Fresh earthy smell mixed with the clean aroma of pure lake water

Crickets chirping, frogs croaking, fire cracking, bull frog adds his baritone to the soft night song

Stars reflecting on the water, as heaven touches the earth

Loon calls

Hot mug in our hands, warming inside and out

Quietly leaning into each other as the master transforms the view from day into night and night into day

Peace~Calm~Strength

Cocooned in the darkness

Silently waiting for the dawn

Heart longings

Who’s soul also dreams of sitting this vigil with me?

Next Chapter Please

By: Just myself
Blog, , , , , , , Leave a Comment on Next Chapter Please

I love the thought of January 1st. New year, new chapter, fresh new start. Seems brand new, CLEAN unblemished somehow. Like early morning after a fresh snow fall, when the air is clear and the birds are still sleeping and the world is brand new, not a track, not a blemish. The moment you step outside and the cold hits you in the face, awaking wonder. As you walk the snow crunching under your feet, making a new trail, a new memory, in the new day. Creating, seeing, feeling, living, loving, shining. An illusion of newness! Hope bursts out, possibilities, dreams, goals. This chapter, this year, this month, this day: living in this moment, this place this time, tomorrow seems so far away.

Still Child

By: Just myself
Blog, , , , , , , , Leave a Comment on Still Child

The child sat silently, observing the family banter around her. Aloof from the crowd, wanting to fit in, but terribly afraid to be noticed. The laughter and conversation filled the room and spilled out into the night air.

A million what ifs fluttering through her mind, like those little blue butterflies that spin around and around alighting only for a second and returning to their dance in the air.

What would be asked of her if she was noticed? What if the attention irritated the adults? It was far better to sit invisibly in the corner, unnoticed,  still.

The child sat silently, observing the family banter around her. Aloof from the crowd, wanting to fit in, but terribly,  terribly afraid to be noticed.

Pathways of adventure

By: Just myself
Blog, , , , , , , , Leave a Comment on Pathways of adventure
So many choices!
Which direction to go?
Will the destination make the rough parts worth it?
If the only beauty is in the journey,  it will be enough!

somewhere in the contrast

By: Just myself
Blog, , , , , , , , Leave a Comment on somewhere in the contrast

morning breaks, the sun shines again in the cool fresh air,

alighting on the branches of the cedar hedge as if the warm glow was coming from within, instead of from out and above

the black squirrel lay silently still, dead on the ground, in the soft green grass, once scurrying to it’s destination, now arriving at the end

so beautiful, so sad, so bright, so harsh

fleeting emotions flush across my psyche, so wonderful, so sad, so hopeful, so final

why do we always have to live in such a state, happy, radiant, ecstatic, intense, worried, angry,

like a dance, a dance to a music that is audible only to oneself, but visible to those brave enough to observe a long period to see through the curtains on the stage of my heart, in that moment they might part to see truly inside

the moment the internal dancer pauses the performance, stops fighting the script, and allows the joy, the sorrow, the pain, the passion to embrace, to complete, to set a new stage to feel deeper, to experience more to accompany the reality of the contrast of life,

high highs, lowest depths of despair, without the contrast where lies the joy

Joy comes in the mourning!

Beautiful but you dare not touch! somewhere in the contrast!

Swept away!

By: Just myself
Blog, , Leave a Comment on Swept away!
Power and Beauty

The crashing sound, the ice cold spray, the crushing force, the power that fills the very air. Life and death pouring out under me. Loud enough to drown the thoughts floating through my head. Harnessed held back by the hands of man. Small and insignificant, invigorated by the rumble under my feet. A moment in time, or a minute or hour. Time stands still, nothing matters. Just breath the moist fresh air deep into my lungs. Close my eyes to feel the spray on my face. Being small matters not in the face of such power. Swept away!

Living My Best Life: Making The Best Out of the Life I Have

By: Just myself
Blog, , , , , 2 Comments on Living My Best Life: Making The Best Out of the Life I Have

I find myself in a very unusual position right now. Certainly didn’t plan to be on this path, really didn’t see it coming, but here I am. Yes right here!

I wonder if this is what it feels like to be a butterfly when it is time to emerge from it’s cocoon? When the tightness of its “safety” blanket gets so strangling tight, that it has no choice but to push it’s way through and emerge so vulnerable and new. Everything big, scary, bright, beautiful and unable to fly until it’s wings dry-out and stretch, flutter and finally, finally it takes flight.

It’s clear and it’s not, how I wrapped myself up into a cocoon. Don’t get me wrong I like a good fight, but I hate conflict. The ultimate “yes man”. One strand at a time, I tangled myself up trying to “be good”, “be better”, “put others first”. Overlooking something here, something there. Till the conflict within myself was raging to a point that I was sure it would tear me in to pieces. I froze! How can one move when one can’t even breathe? Craziest part of it all was the outcome would have been the same no matter what I did or did not do.

All my life I wanted people to like me. (Honestly I still do, and hell, I am a good person so who wouldn’t like me.) I was so terrified of rejection and being alone.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Not so very long ago something happened to me. Flowers! I didn’t see it coming! Not in a million years!

The “cocoon of denial” of the mess that was going on around me was no longer protecting me. The pain, the pain of rejection! Nothing I did! Every trick I knew! Nothing made it better! Nothing made it right again!

A phone call came. Another rejection I never saw coming, another person in my life that was supposed to always have my back. My mind spun round, round, looking from every angle. It was 8 or 9 pm, a battle had raged inside of me no one knew was happening. Then I heard it! A laugh escaped my throat. You know those laughs from the movies of one that may have just lost their mind. Then another laugh, a laugh of someone who has been bound by an invisible band to something not totally healthy, and then the band breaks and freedom comes. It didn’t matter anymore! FREEDOM!

I climbed into my bed that night having no idea what the morning would bring.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

The morning came, and I never saw it coming, right out of the gate! ANGER! Ridiculous, insulting, bitter, hateful, anger.

Enough, ENOUGH! It didn’t matter. I don’t know why it didn’t matter. Who spoke the words? Where did they come from?

“Don’t worry it won’t happen again, I am leaving.” I don’t recognize that calm, controlled voice. I don’t think I had ever heard it before. (I want to know that strong, calm, controlled person.)

A couple calls, a couple texts, a few garbage bags to carry 52 years of my life. My girls with me. Two hours to close twenty-two years. Truly sad really!

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Once a butterfly dries it’s wings, and stretches them well, it flies off in search of beautiful flowers full of nectar to continue the cycle of life.

So here I am, yes right here, right now. Stretching my wings! Looking for beautiful things! What a place to be. Fresh, Free, New.

What do I like? What do I hate? What makes me sad, mad, glad? What makes me laugh? What tastes good? What am I capable of? What is excruciatingly hard to handle? What does it feel like to be fully alive? How do I overcome the shaky uncertain days when nothing seems to be going right? How do I celebrate the good things? How does my faith fit into this? What are my goals in life? What is important to me? How do I make ends meet in this crazy economy? How do I launch my career? What should my career be, when you can do and be anything your heart desires (intimidating)?

I am a butterfly learning to fly on a path I never expected to be on! I am an example to my girls of how to not settle for second best, how to love yourself and others, and how to make the best out of the life they have.

Living my best life? Well making the best out of the life I have!