I Want To Write

Why haven’t I been writing?

Not in my journal, not in my blog, not letters, or even quick notes. Stories keep twisting, from morning to night, dancing and spinning, glittering, teasing, and bright. Around and around growing and fading away, story and thought over and over all day.

Why don’t I stop and write?

Colourful words I dream to put down. Descriptions of smells, sights, and sounds. What if my words don’t capture my thoughts or give the full picture? I can hear the stories, but they are behind these locks.

Will today be the day I set myself free?

I know that this cage that is set around my spirit is binding me tight in ropes of fear. I know that it all started somewhere inside, grief, identity, hiding in shadows in plain sight. The outside looks normal. The inside is shaken. Kidnapped and bound but living near normal. I alone hold the key. I should use it today. Break through this fear, step out, practice, and have faith!

Do I tell the truth or mascarade on?

When my grandma died, my heart was broken, anger raged, and I could not focus. My sorrow grabbed control of me. Anger, anger, anger, a very uncomfortable emotion. I used to just suppress it, not learning how to process. Not this time! I own it!

I worry all of the time. Will the grief and anger cross the line? Will my writings be sorrowful and depressing? Where is the beautiful, the colourful, the bright songs? Dancing lights, where have you gone? Magic, miracles, joy, love? My happy place where light my life belongs?

I will write. I will put the words down. I will allow the music of life to wrap and weave a beautiful melody of joy, gratitude, anger, and grief. Why hide the fact of what is true? Sometimes, life seems easy, and sometimes, the opposite is true.

If sorrow, anger, hate, and fear are part of life, is there some sort of beauty to be found there? What if the beautiful rises up from the ashes of sorrow, like new green growth after a forest fire rages through leaving dark trails of destruction, acrid smell. What if victory only comes from battling and waring and conquering fear and hate?

What if living truly makes us warriors? Are we ready for the battles? Have we polished our armor? Have we practiced till we bled, building strong muscle and sharp eyes, lightening reflexes, or are we weak like the walking dead? Dress up warrior, put your full armor on, don’t sleep, rise up, march on.

The sun is rising faithfully. The birds and crickets have welcomed the dawn, a chorus beautifully orcastrated from some power beyond. Joyfully dancing like a ballet through the air, light then powerful, floating gracefully. Morning welcome.

Today, I wrote.

Spring In The Valley, Thoughts On Motherhood…

I love the changing of the seasons. Walking daily, seeing the shades of greens and yellows returning to the brown-grey landscape. Tiny bursts of mauve and white escaping from their thick, warm blanket of fall leaves. The Creator, moving his artist’s brush over the woodlands, brings to life little surprises here and there, delighting the eye, stirring the soul.

Tiny details of light and shadows dancing, awaken childhood fairytales in my mind. Spinning fanciful stories of magical beings flitting through the mossy coves. Angel wings drying on the bare branches of the trees. Rooted beings poking up through marshy ground.

Spring, the fresh-clean air invites one to breathe deeply as the morning calm errupts into the musical notes of bird’s song brightly, happily filling the still cool dawn. The spring peeps singing for their mates in the ponds as the day transforms into evening, darkness falls, and the world transforms again.

Anticipation quickening, for what exactly I am not sure?

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Today is Mother’s Day ❤️ my children, my treasures, pour out hearts full of love ❤️ a sweater, a bird house, a breakfast cooked and served, a homemade card, a lot of hugs, never knowing their existence, their joys, their discoveries, theirdreams are the greatest delights in my life.

2023 My eyes shall seek Your glory!

This is what the Lord said, He who made a path through the sea, through the mighty waters. “Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth. Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert. The beasts of the field will glorify Me, because I supply their needs as I supply Your needs, My people will declare My praise.

Based on Isaiah 43:16,18-21 NASB

Ending 2022 Well

This year’s end, next year’s life!

Just over one month left of 2022. I don’t want to wish it away, instead I want to work it. What can I accomplish with God’s help in just six weeks?

The areas of most concern to me are (in no particular order) health/wellness, conquering the c.h.a.o.s. in my home, and increasing income through sales of gift boxes before Christmas.

I could jump on to the hustle and bustle of Christmas train, but I don’t want to. I want long term gain as apposed to short term satisfaction.

How about you, how would you like to end your year?

The Dawn Comes After The Darkness?

The dawn comes after the darkness?

Funny how I thought the sorrow would only be for a little while.

A long life, well lived. Age had caught up to her. Time had stolen away so many things. Bodies wear out.

The love of her life had passed away a few years before and although we knew we had a huge place in her heart, I can only imagine the lonely, silent nights, she laid in her bed longing for the warmth of him snuggling against her.

We couldn’t wish her back to this time and this place. But I do!

In quiet unexpected moments as I go about my day, doing ordinary tasks, it sneaks up, pounces, takes my breath away. The loneliness, the broken piece missing from my heart jabs in stabbing, cutting,hurting all over again.

Do they see the tear steal down my cheek? Wonder at the shadow that passes behind my eyes?

The dawn comes after the darkness, this is the truth, but when will the darkness pass? When the jagged edge of loss wear off and the pain fade away?

Who Are You?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not recognized yourself?

With the exception of the time I bleached and chopped off my hair, it is not really a surface thing.

Yes the post covid greying of the hair, the extra pounds, a deeper wrinkle here and there not always what I want to see. What about you? What if we look deeper, to the inside?

Periods of life that seem to shake who you thought you were, what happens then, when you look in the mirror and wonder “Who Are You?”

The Sky Is Still Blue

Calm beauty

Loss, sorrow, disappointment, numbness, drowning in grief, not fighting in the waves but under the sea, running around, getting no where, clutter and messes undone/ undealt with everywhere, what’s up, what’s down, what even do you feel.

Pulled up from the depth by a pause and a friend, splashing in water, shoes full of sand, the heat of the earth radiating up on the back watching clouds floating and changing, trees waving to and fro, children laughing, sun blinding bright, July humid heat.

Moment, thought, sight, clarity, feeling.

The sky is still blue and it is beautiful!

Magical dancing light

Just about 630pm on a warm spring evening in June. It has been a pretty good day so far, although the peaceful joy did not quite reach into my unrestful soul. I had arrived home from a friend’s house and debated on my self-soothing options. Finally I climbed out of the van and strolled through the garden noticing new life appearing from the earth.

Not really much to show yet, but exciting none the less as I await the day to eat the first meal of fresh tender green beans, or snack on sweet peas right out of the pod in the garden.

The colours of my flowers gave me a little splash of joy.

I walked into the house and faced another choice: do nothing, clean up, or go for a walk which would certainly help on my path to “feeling better ” again.

The first steps are always the hardest but I changed my clothes, tide up my sneakers, grabbed a water bottle and off I went.

Quiet except for the nature sounds. The lowering sun danced through the trees creating a magical stage of spotlit points and shadows, illuminating new shades of green in the fresh undergrowth. I felt like I had stepped into another deminsion and that fairies should be fluttering around through the trees,but only a yellow butterfly danced about, pretty and graceful.

I wished I could capture the beauty of the scene, but between the limit of the camera and the reality of the swarms of mosquitoes that drove me home, the spectacular scene will remain mainly in my memory the fodder of magical dreams when I lay down my head.

AWAKEN, ARISE, YOU ARE ALIVE!

Look right in front of you, what do you see?

Morning has come again, night is over.

What will you do with this day, this here, this now?

Days have passed on, one after another, gone like the wind.

Stalled, low, waisted.

Mourning!

But “I” am alive. “I” am here. “I” can rise.

There is still beauty when the darkness like blinders is removed from one’s eyes.

Today I am alive! Cleanse off the mourning. Breath deeply to the core. Allow ‘heart’ to beat again, feel deeply the rhythm of the song of life.

Be kind, and live.