Yesterday was Resurrection Sunday, a rather BIG deal in the Christian church. Tim, Fred and I hustled to get ready and went to service at the little chapel we attend regularly. Pastor Chris told a joke at the beginning of the service(as is his style) . A piece of that joke really hit my heart. ” A teacher had asked her students what Easter was (various answers are given)….and then a little boy answers, Jesus dies Friday, is laid in a tomb, and on Sunday He comes out and if He sees His shadow He goes back in for six more weeks.” Lol funny right~except when it’s YOU who has seen their own shadow and run back into the tomb.
Once upon a time, I was a people-pleaser, the proverbial “good girl” or at least part of me pretended to be… or did strive to be…. worked at being even. Maybe slightly or a little more so; passive/aggressive and definitely a warrior of the under-dog. All wrapped up with a bow of life experience that taught me the importance of doing what one was told, holding it together (a.k.a. suppressing ones) especially negative emotions (although sometimes a good giggle fest did not go unpunished if it was “poorly timed”). I seriously thought I had worked all this out… mostly.
But what happens when you wrap yourself so tight up in “being good” especially a “good christian” and a pile of hurts and crap gets thrown your way? What happens when your persona slips and your world spins out of control and Lord have mercy “YOU SEE YOUR SHADOW!!!!”?
Me personally? I ran back into the grave and slammed the bolder tightly, sealing myself in with hopelessness!!!
Good, good Lord how did this happen? How can a smart, well educated, loving, caring “christian” person listen to the “you know better, how could you do “that again” ” voice whispering to my soul. That ugly, dirty, deceitful voice! The exclamation point of seeming silence from the Spirit made the voice louder dirtier, “truer” somehow.
How could I forget, that the giver of my very life, who knows all and sees all, who knows the end of the story when I myself am stuck in the middle, how could I forget that He chose to spread His arms out in my place, to take the wrath intended for me, just to show how important our relationship is to HIM, HOW COULD I MYSELF ME FORGET? How could I forget unlimited grace? How could I slip so deeply into this despair?
How seemingly easy it was to slide back into a space of deadness. “Don’t feel… don’t process… don’t acknowledge the pain… make it unreal in your head. That’s it, good cover story, don’t you feel so much better now?” “Your tired, your unmotivated, it’s all pointless anyway, here today~gone tomorrow…sleep a little longer, watch another video, play another game, just get out of your head…stone wall your heart. Oh your body aches? I wonder why?” DEPRESSION!!!! LIES!!!! DEATH!!!!
This time the pit was deeper, darker, scarier, deadlier without hope than ever before. The light slipped! Source was invisible, silent!!
WHO AM I??? WHERE AM I GOING??? SEPARATION! HOPELESSNESS! Shadow person.
Then one day a friend told me, not even knowing the whole of the battle for my soul, “it seems dark right now, but you will come through this and grow through this trial.” “If she only knew,” my mind whispered to me. Another young person mentioned “my light seemed dim some how, was I okay?” (Uncomfortable question when your are hiding a war inside that is raging on for your very soul! A good girl would not admit that!)
A question came as I started to push myself to move (not because I wanted to, just because it was more uncomfortable not to look like I was putting in an effort {classic people-pleaser move}). The question was “what do you believe?” It started out small and quiet, and the words never changed but the intensity and the word You became louder and louder.
A while later a second question came, “who do YOU say I Am”? But, but, but…
“God this darkness is killing me! OR am I already dead? I AM THE WAKING DEAD!!! I need to feel! I need to feel anything, am I even alive?”…”but I am so afraid.” the words quietly trail off in my head.
It is familiar, comfortable even, pretending going through the motions. Fooling no one, not even myself. Dark.
Back track to last week, my underdog of the day: Tim, is having a rough week, HE is tired, HE needs rest. A quick plan and by afternoon we are off. A bottle of wine, some lavender scented bath products, and a longing like my very life depended on it to “feel”, “feel something anything intensely”. Just one night!
“Am I even alive?”
Morning comes. “YES, YES I AM ALIVE!”
A new level of energy, a tiny little ember of hope, the kind still voice, “child”, is all it says. This was Friday.
I am in the tomb, but the rock is shifted. There is a sliver of light shining through. It is shining on me. The shadows are shifting. But “I am okay, bruised and dirty, but cautiously breathing.”
A long walk with the kids on Friday afternoon, wash the ceilings in the dining, livingroom and hallway on Saturday. “Good, good.”
Sunday comes: put my exterior together, drag my body to church, plan in my mind to celebrate Jesus my God (“even if He doesn’t celebrate me”).
Then something happens! With one small joke and the words “JESUS TOOK IT ALL!” Pastor Chris goes on to say, “I am still a ‘sinner’, but HE is still my SAVIOUR.”
I hear the Father say, “Child what are you doing in that ugly grave, step out into the light and live, just live.”
Must say my legs are still shaky after such a long “sleep”, but I breath deeply, I look to see the bright sun shine and I am thankful, so very thankful that maybe, just maybe if I decide today to be the messy, occasionally mixed up daughter of the King, like HE made me to be, I can experience the joy of feeling, and experiencing this whole messy life and LIVE!
The questions are still there: “who do you say I AM”, and “what do you believe”. These are the life saving questions I realize.
We worry so much about so many things, what mistakes we make, what others think of us, how we look, what needs to get done, are we good enough. Why do we do this to ourselves? Do any of these things really matter?
The Creator made us, He made us unique, and I think in His ultimate wisdom He allowed imperfection in the creation, so that He could work in us and refine us. He made us like little children, with curiosity, the ability to learn, and the sensations to delight and to feel at a spectacular soul shifting level. If HE is who He says He is, why do WE worry, why do WE strive so hard, with such devastating effects?
He is good, I am not! He is perfect, I am not! He is loving and I am receiving! He is the source of my light and my life the very air I breath, and I am responsible for living and feeling, growing and learning and sharing my gratitude and praise with Him!
I stepped out of that grave. I am alive. I chose to live! Why don’t you step out of yours also and choose life too?
***To anyone that was brave enough to read this far. I apologize that this is not grammatically correct, as it is the rantings of my internal heart, mind and soul. I also apologize for any personal triggers I may have pushed, although now maybe the time to expose those triggers to the light.
Beautiful Remade 