I really did want to believe I am okay, that it’s all right I got this. After all I am a blogger and how in the world do you help others when you can’t even get yourself together. The reality is this year has been HARD! So many changes, so much loss, and just when you think you can adjust to a certain level of grief more comes.
Our family has lost to death this year two friends, my grandma, two uncles, two aunts, and a young person of someone I care deeply for even if we are no longer closely in touch. My world as I knew it has forever been changed and some of the pillars of stability have been lost.
I am struggling with who I am. I find it hard to find joy in some areas that were so simple and sure before. My school work holds my interest for mere seconds till I am irritated and fill my head with mind-numbing you tube videos of “getting it all together” instead. Keeping up with healthy choices daily is hit or miss. Many days I would like to just lay about in bed.
I am grieving! It is real and it is very difficult.
After all that has happened my aunt died yesterday (she is one of the two), it has only been two months since her husband passed away.
Is this unusual to have so many losses in such a short time, or is this what this season holds in life? I am after all getting older. Do I just have to “get used to it”?
The only sure thing about life is that death follows. When we are young we do not realize how fleeting time is. As we age it is like time speeds up, like a vapor in the wind, the day is gone.
I will keep seeking those moments of joy and ah in this life. Maybe the victories we choose to celebrate can be more minuscule, because life is full of tiny pleasures and time is too brief to wait for the big moments.
Running, rushing, chasing! Does it really matter? This is the moment we have got, right here, right now, and then it is gone, if we are lucky we have another moment.
I do believe in heaven, but I really like living on this beautiful earth. I morn the fact I have not always lived like I was alive but have walked along oblivious to the passing of time and the moments that have been lost. Never having enough time to spend with all the people that I love.
As I face saying another goodbye, I need to know how to live this moment, this minute, this day, never to come again. Grief comes in waves. I am usually so good at pretending everything is okay. Today, this moment. it is not, will the next be better.
Running off, responsibility awaits, busy with life, grief has to wait.
Beautiful Remade 