I found out this week that an old friend had passed away. I was rather surprised and confused at how hard this loss had hit me. It brought me to my knees, I screamed, I cried, I lost sleep, and the pain hit me so hard breathing was difficult. He was a good friend, that whenever we would meet his hugs would fill me with comfort.
As the days have moved on and I took the time to reflect and allowed myself to be sad, I have come to realize that his passing was a whole lot more to me than even losing such a great person. He was someone I held onto to deal with an even bigger loss in my childhood life. He was the one that was there for me when my dad had died. As for the rest of what happened in that time let’s just say it’s complicated.
I thank him for the comfort and love he gave me. May you find in heaven everything that was missing from your life here on earth!
Last night while sitting enjoying this amazing sunset with my husband Tim, we talked about the emotions that had boiled up to the surface in me. Some were very old emotions that I had trapped for a long, long time. He felt badly about not being able to scoop me up and make it okay. I am so blessed to have him.
As I watched the sun disappear beyond the horizon, I realized that I need to lay down the pain I felt. The disappointment, my expectations. The chain I have worn around my neck for so many years tethering me to people that hurt me, a moment when time for me stopped and uncertainty took over, when there was nothing solid left to stand on. The pain repeated itself through the loss of my friend with the very same players. The ones supposed to love and protect. Not again!
I said to my husband this morning, “it’s time for a fresh start, a new beginning.” He responded with “I don’t want to start over, we have done it too many times”. I realize he is right!
I don’t want a fresh start. I just need some restoration. There is some ugliness in me that needs to be picked out. I don’t need to carry it no more.
Not every part of me is broken, but the parts that are just need the old picked out, a little fresh mortar and will be good as new.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. We sometimes have challenges we don’t see coming, so I will not think of what might be.
I can’t change what happened yesterday, I can’t undo. It is what it is. I am more valuable then allowing it to keep whipping me. So I will lay it down.
I can start to clean out the yucky stuff in front of me today. To be ready for the filling of the fresh new mortar. That is what I can do. So I will!