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I found out this week that an old friend had passed away. I was rather surprised and confused at how hard this loss had hit me. It brought me to my knees, I screamed, I cried, I lost sleep, and the pain hit me so hard breathing was difficult. He was a good friend, that whenever we would meet his hugs would fill me with comfort.

As the days have moved on and I took the time to reflect and allowed myself to be sad, I have come to realize that his passing was a whole lot more to me than even losing such a great person. He was someone I held onto to deal with an even bigger loss in my childhood life. He was the one that was there for me when my dad had died. As for the rest of what happened in that time let’s just say it’s complicated.

I thank him for the comfort and love he gave me. May you find in heaven everything that was missing from your life here on earth!

Last night while sitting enjoying this amazing sunset with my husband Tim, we talked about the emotions that had boiled up to the surface in me. Some were very old emotions that I had trapped for a long, long time. He felt badly about not being able to scoop me up and make it okay. I am so blessed to have him.

As I watched the sun disappear beyond the horizon, I realized that I need to lay down the pain I felt. The disappointment, my expectations. The chain I have worn around my neck for so many years tethering me to people that hurt me, a moment when time for me stopped and uncertainty took over, when there was nothing solid left to stand on. The pain repeated itself through the loss of my friend with the very same players. The ones supposed to love and protect. Not again!

CHAPTER CLOSED!!

I said to my husband this morning, “it’s time for a fresh start, a new beginning.” He responded with “I don’t want to start over, we have done it too many times”. I realize he is right!

I don’t want a fresh start. I just need some restoration. There is some ugliness in me that needs to be picked out. I don’t need to carry it no more.

Not every part of me is broken, but the parts that are just need the old picked out, a little fresh mortar and will be good as new.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. We sometimes have challenges we don’t see coming, so I will not think of what might be.

I can’t change what happened yesterday, I can’t undo. It is what it is. I am more valuable then allowing it to keep whipping me. So I will lay it down.

I can start to clean out the yucky stuff in front of me today. To be ready for the filling of the fresh new mortar. That is what I can do. So I will!

When everything seems to be going wrong, when the very universe seems to be pressuring you and your trapped under the weight of responsibility and nothing seems to be getting done, what is one supposed to do?

Hit the road!

Yesterday my mind started boiling over. It’s been a strange couple of weeks. I haven’t had a lot of energy, and of course like usual when the body is revolting, the stuff around me starts breaking.

This summer we knew we needed a “new to us” van. I am not willing to borrow to buy a vehicle (although the temptation was strong) so we had been taking our time trying to find the right one for our family. While doing this we were relying on my husbands truck, but as life would have it, we cracked the head on the engine and found ourselves very much in need in the “now”. Well looking at a couple of vans, an older van, for a lot less money was offered to us. We decided to go for it, making it so we can use the difference to fix the truck. In hopes to be able to take the family fishing or something before the summer escapes us. This is a good, good thing! BUT… of course then my less then two year old washing machine decided to stop working. BAMM! Pile it on!

Meanwhile my daughter came for a visit she lives 25hours of driving away and yesterday was her day to leave to visit others that she cares about. My mother came to pick her up (it’s complicated). Because of my daughters visit the house work had kind of slipped a bit, so when I looked around… Pile it on!

So my moods started to simmer! No I am not one of those bloggers that have life all put together, I am on a journey, not at my destination.

Then God showed up, the phone rang, my friend called. She could tell right away that I was stressed. So we did what was needed, dropped the responsibility and headed out for lunch. Followed by a bit of clearance rack therapy. Calmness started to seep back into my being. Would have liked to spend more time with her as I hadn’t seen her in a quite a while, but the ice cream was melting.

Being that nothing had been going according to my plan or schedule, I decided to call it a day when I got home. I checked out and watched You Tubers that tell you they have their life altogether. You know those young ones that look like they just got out of diapers, that “got it all going on”.

But the sun was shining, our bridge is mostly back together, and my butt has expanded this summer, so I broke out of my head, escaped again from my house and hiked 3.2 kms into the country. The best therapy ever!!!

A crack in the prison in which I encase myself! A step towards my hopes and my dreams! Not just a simple walk, but yet a step!

And as usual I was not disappointed…

This week had a day that from one perspective could of left me angry and frustrated if I had let it.

Thursday we were traveling in the city when our truck broke down on the side of the road. It was hot, it was not an overly safe location as it was on the highway and the traffic was heavy and because of COVID the tow truck driver would not let us ride with him in his truck so basically we were stranded an hour and a half away from home.

Really didn’t have much control over the situation it just happened and that was that.

Who could we call? Where could we go? So I called a friend who called a friend and a plan was set in motion. We were being rescued!! The friend of a friend dropped what he was doing and came right to the city and picked us up. Helped us check out the truck. Managed to make arrangements for us to finish our original task, and found us a ride home.

I could be angry because we now need to purchase a new engine for our truck, but I choose to be blessed because our friend cared enough to help us even when it was probably one of the most inconvenient days for them to take the time to do it.

This was one of those weeks were no matter how little I did or how much I could not seem to find the formula for rest. I was not particularly worried or stressed about anything that I can think of. Just never had a good nights sleep and never not once felt rested all week.

So what does rest look like? How can a person become refreshed and renewed?

Jesus said that God gave man the Sabbath, the day of rest as a gift. God knew we would get tired in our work and if we did not slow down and tune into a station other than work and life that our minds and bodies would break. He wanted us to focus on Him and how great His goodness is.

Today I hope to slow my pace, to thank God for you, to focus and be present in His beauty in this moment, and leave the concerns of tomorrow until the morn.

How many dreams do I have that I believe would make my life better if I took action and did something about them? What am I waiting for?

Last Sunday I spent the afternoon weeding my vegetable garden. It was so peaceful, the kids didn’t make an appearance hardly at all. I had discovered I could feed my brain through audio books and I didn’t have to keep rewinding because of interruptions as the kids were afraid I would make them help lol. It was nice. I managed to get all but two rows finished. I felt accomplished!

Then Monday came…my muscles where screaming, objecting, miserable. ” What in the world were you thinking!!! Bending, stretching, reaching!!! How could I do that to them? They hold me up after all, why did I make them work out like that?”

One of my big goals is to be healthy. Being healthy is a logical goal, it’s also an emotional goal. But it is a challenge because you actually have to move to achieve it.

My body is not happy, I hurt some days, a lot of days, right from the moment when I get out of bed. I have had to replace clothing because of weight gain and unfortunately the majourity of clothing that is too small is still cluttering my closet (another issue in my life). I avoid looking in the mirror.

I need to lose about 40 pounds to get back to what is considered a healthy range for my height. I am a sugar addict, not really a fan of exercise, meals…well it’s hit or miss whether I eat or how much.

I have spent hours googling and youtubing keto, vegan, gut health, exercise, my age group, etc., etc. My brain is melting down from information overload, everyone of these sites have “THE” answer. But guess what, watching these and studying has not made me lose one single pound. I am stuck!!

I know what I should do. I also know that once I start, the next day becomes easier and easier. I also know that exercise can even become an addiction within itself because of the endorphins it releases. So why can I not take the first step? The only thing standing in the way is ME!

This is only one example of a goal that is sitting idol in my mind.

There are other examples I could share and many reasons or excuses I have attached to not doing them. The thing is life is short!

There is so much that the Lord has created and given to us to discover and enjoy. He has given us desire as a gift. He wants us to succeed and dream bigger dreams and set higher goals and discover more and more about Him while we move along. As we discover and are amazed then our praises can rise up to Him for His greatness and love. He does not want our dreams ensnared in our mind, it does not bring Him honour as we sit on the sidelines and dream. When he placed Adam and Eve in the garden, did He say sit here and watch the world pass you by or sit here and dream of what you might do?

Rich DeVos said “Look at someone and how they prioritize their life…that ‘IS’ their dream.” A real dream is what you do. (Taken from Influence Smart class CLI 4.3) Are you living your dream or letting life pass you by? Waiting for whatever you are waiting for?

This week I will be healthier. Will you take a step to be your dream?

This was one of those weeks! I started off last Sunday with a great plan in my mind, how all of a sudden I was going to get my ‘stuff’ together, THIS WAS THE WEEK! Come on lets go! Then Monday came.

I didn’t feel overly inspired on Monday, I kinda had a few ideas of keeping the line on perspective and changing my perspective going through the week. After all this has been a subject of my awakening that has been heavily on my mind. So shouldn’t now be the time that I write about it and fill out my thoughts so I can take control of them and place them in organized compartments never to have such influence over me again?

Then Tuesday happened! An unexpected issue came up, as they do. A flood of thoughts, and emotions! Do I change my plans for the day? Do I drop everything and focus on this? What do I do, what do I do , what do I do? STOP!!! Breath!!! Remember it just is!! Now what do you need to do about it? Will getting upset fix the situation? No it won’t! Think, plan, wait, think, plan, act. Release! There is no more action to take at this moment except a prayer for intervention.

Thinking momentarily that we had it bad, a friend stopped by for a few minutes. I was so excited to see them, it had been a while. They came to tell us that he had cancer, and the doctors were not very hopeful. The shock!!!! The sorrow. My mind went running in a million different directions! How could that be, how could that be? My “unexpected issue”, shrank in an instant to almost insignificant!

Another reminder that life is short! My friend is my age, I am quickly moving into the “older crowd”. “So what are you going to do about it? When are you going to embrace what you have? How are you going to live fully? Why are you waiting for anyone else to see your potential? Where are you going to start?” GET UP AND BE THE CHANGE, BELIEVE AND DO!!!

I must admit, the happenings of the week slowed me down. Sometimes you need to slow down. Sometimes you need to pull over and come to a complete stop. Sometimes you need to go back to the source and plug in fully beyond the “habit” of prayer and study. Our friends and our Friend often get a small helping of our time with the busyness of life. The call to my soul to take the time to sit with Jesus, as apposed to studying Him, or sending him requests like a waitress gives the chef an order has been strong lately. Not so long ago I spent every morning and night listening for Him, why does one stop doing what blesses and fills a life so fully?

It is time to fully plug into the source, and be recharged so that His light shines out upon the world, and there becomes a beacon of hope for all the world to see! Are you going to plug in with me? There is lots of light to go around!